Neglecting ones-self

I figured it out today. I have been neglecting myself. Wait, I have this Epiphany every time I am forced to go to the doctor, dentist or PT because I literally can't function anymore without some "upkeep".

I keep telling myself that it's all about the kids, the business, the functioning of my well oiled machine I like to call my life.

In reality, I spent over an hour in the dentists chair with my mouth open, I have enough Novocaine that I sound like a drunk person (or mentally challenged) and I have a freaking monster of a headache coming on and a 14 hour day ahead of me.

It was $1,500 in dental work, of which they will only cover $400. After 9 years, I needed to go in. I put myself first. It's going to set us back a house payment to get my teeth in order. I know for a fact that if your teeth and gums aren't in good shape it affects your health. My mom is proof of that. One she got her top teeth removed she pinked up, she was in a much better mood and she just looked healthier.

I can preach all I want, I can promise myself, but how does a Mom actually tell her kids that she needs mommy time by herself? Put my pair of new pants before my kids school supplies, or a YMCA membership instead of extra money in their lunch account because school lunches are not geared towards filling the child up. A pint of milk for a 13 year old boy is NOT enough.

I know everyone is feeling this pinch with the economy, but owning a business it's even more a struggle to justify the Target economy underwear vs. the ones that are more expensive and you really, really like and will last longer, or you hot glue gun the underwire in your bra because the $20 for a new one is just highway robbery when the rest of the bra is fine. Sounds silly, having to not feel bad about missing time with the kids for the sake of locking myself in the downstairs bath with a book for 2 hours just to relax away from the constant mess and commotion, but I do.

I haven't spoken to a good friend of mine for 2 years because she just didn't get it. I need my shoulder operated on. I need PT on it to strengthen it before they will do surgery, but I do not have the $30 per appointment that is the co-pay, $60 a week, $240 a month to repair my shoulder. I can't just charge it, the money has to come from somewhere. I couldn't get her to understand that I can't just hire a manager at 20K a year to cover the store because I need to be out for 6-8 weeks after the surgery, plus rehab costs, the deductibles and co-pays that are associated with the surgery. That 20K would buy Jeff and I new transportation.... plus a myriad of other things that NEED to be replaced to literally function.

I wouldn't be able to work. My friend didn't get it that I don't draw a salary now, but for 2 months I woudln't work, plus paying someone else to do what I do.

Charging it is not tha answer either...the Visa bill can't just get the minimum payment each month because you need the money that you would have paid the Visa bill with for something that you "deserve". My questions is.... what's the next big thing you will need to remain "feeling good about yourself" after you get what you deserve? What good is a 10 day vacation you have to charge and stress about paying for the next year?

Some items are upkeep, or issues that you have te deal with to live... but unless it's pressing, do you really need it? Comfort vs. function. I tkills me when people bitch about money then paint thier homes, redecorate to make themselves feel better, then turn to pay the bills and they feel worse surrounded by the things that got them to where they are now.

As the Novocaine is wearing off (slowly), sitting in my Thrift store clothes with my shoes falling apart, ready to put in my 6 th day in a row open to close at the store, while stuffing in all the to-do's to keep the House running, Catherine's blood sugars in check, Daniel's autism and immune system issues and Steven's migraine's (which he was weeping in pain most of the night and this morning, and I didn't sleep because he's my child and he's hurting) there's not much time for anything else or money in the account to do it with.

We did get ourselves into this position with the store, but it would be sure nice to get a break. Anything.

The capper on this below zero week is my father's car finally dying. It's in our driveway now, I'll post a "post mortem" picture. So I am off to start hunting for a $500 car that will get my 82 year old father around. Oy.